And Now For Something Completely Different…

After the inspirado of the last post, I remembered I  DID promise my list of the worst band names ever. Now, I like some of these bands, but generally,  if your band name sucks, you’re off to a bad start. And as I used to live in Athens, GA, this is going to be almost TOO easy…Athens band names, with some very, VERY notable exceptions (THE DICTATORTOTS RULE!), are usually the most lame and insipid ever. I’ll do my best to avoid them…kind of like PETA and Brittney Spears (for the record, fuck them both. In their Ear).

In no particular order, with the usual disclaimer: you can like these bands all you like. I even like some of them. Unless noted, I have nothing against their music, just the name.

Pearl Jam. I like nothing about this band. It started with me hating their name. So example number is one is where I do hate their music. And videos. And album covers. And the fact their bassist thinks he can play double bass (he can’t). Ugh.

Limp Biscuit. Oh, where do I even start? I should say a band name is automatically awful in my view if it has intentionally misspelled words, especially substituting the letter s for the letter z.

HIM. I don’t care that this is an acronym, it makes talking about the band so freakin’ unwieldy that it irks me to no end. And metal bands don’t sing about butterflies. Ever.

And speaking of…

Crazy Town? And they GOT a record deal? If was 8, playing pretend band with some friends, this is something we might come up with.

Korn. What the hell was it with the New metal bands (the word is new, not nu)? Adverse reaction to dictionaries? Bad scrabble experiences? A Traumatic Spelling Bee with the Phonics Monkey?

And vegetables,  as a rule, cannot be metal band names. Not even if you add “of Death” after the vegetable. Try it:

• Potato of Death
• Pepper of Death
• Radish of Death
• Lettuce of Death

See? Impossible. It makes me laugh when Jonathon Davis sings:

“You open your mouth again
I swear I’m gonna break it
You open your mouth again,
Oh God I cannot take it
Shut up, shut up, shut up or I’ll Fuck you up”

I listen and I think…Dude, you named your band after a vegetable and then misspelled it.  This is funny, not menacing. Now, Henry Rollins singing these lines, ESPECIALLY in the context of Black Flag, would make me whimper and beg forgiveness for whatever horrible, horrible thing I’d done to offend.

Well, I’m too lazy to think of five more right now, so this will be a two parter. But basically, alternative bands make this way to easy. You’re not being edgy, clever, or pointing out the music is what matters, the name is irrelevant (which is the usual tired excuse I have to endure from people in bands with stupid names). Also, any band who uses any form of “mud” in their name is going to have a hard time making their way into my play list.

Now…what bands have names that YOU hate?

Comment away…

-Bo